Dear Aries, try taking a few more risks with your love life this month. Send a valentine to that cutie you've had your eye on; write it in your blood so they know you mean it. Travel to Duquoin, wear a Lynyrd Skynrd shirt and a potato tucked suggestively into your trousers. You will be surprised at the connections you will make.
Dear Taurus, don't smoke weed when entertaining members of the opposite gender who you aren't entirely comfortable around this month, it wont help you relax. You will just end up thinking you have disappointed them somehow, and then try to write something for them to make up for it, but then realize you wrote one word on a napkin with permanent marker and it bled through and stained their table.
Dear Gemini, mercury is in virgo this month which means you will have close contact with loved ones and family. This is an excellent time to hit them up for cash. Try to avoid making out at PK's with slobbering personages with vacant bicuspids, but if you do... I mean, whatever, it's cool.
Dear Cancer, look man, I know you like to floss like a boss but you gotta slow your roll on this spending spree, dawg! We know you stack cheddar like Monterey Jack, but making it rain all damn day is gonna land your ass in a financial crack. Try impressing people by instead making origami for them, or with your knowledge of Pokémon.
Dear Leo, I'm sorry I forgot your birthday. If it was that important to you, you should have listed your birthdate on facebook. No, you don't have to include the year, and no 29 is not over the hill. I'd still dust it off and hit it. Get over yourself. Oh and happy birthday.
Dear Virgo, a full moon in Pisces on August 24th may cause you to black out with your rack out. Your BF will act all pissy about it for like a couple days or whatever, but just cry a little bit and remind him you love him, you know, go all out with the makeup sex and things should be cool. If it goes super well you might even be invited to meet his family! Try not to get into conversations with his mom about your opinions on transgender politics however, just stick with simply acknowledging the furniture and the temperature relative to the day before. Good luck!
Dear Libra, AUGUST WILL BE SO EFFIN SWEET. Someday you'll just like, get up, get a shower and you'll just be giving yourself the scrubdown and reflecting on your previous night and you will be all thinkin' "Dang last night ruled so hard. Man I can't imagine another night ever ruling that hard". BUT GUESS WHAT: that very night of the day that you said that to yourself?? IT'S GONNA RULE EVEN HARDER!!
Dear Scorpio, you need to stop ordering food with meat in it. Your alcoholic veggie roomies are going hungry and that beast snack is just gonna go bad in the fridge. C'mon, man, the sun is in your career house this month, so you should be able to afford some extra food.
Dear Sagittarius, its time for a vacation! Eat ecstasy and ride roller coasters with a significant other. You will both bond deeply over how cool the wind and shaking steel feels, and then promptly have to leave the theme park to avoid hooking up in front of the Batman Ride. Try it in your car. Bring plenty of water!
Dear Capricorn, this month will start out gross, but just remember that you are destined for fame. Try to avoid hitting on 12-year-old boys, urinating in inappropriate places, or smoking bongs made out of sex toys. At least don't post pictures of it on the internet. That kind of stuff can resurface, man!
Dear Aquarius, new love will blossom with that one douchebag you like. Ugh. I hate that guy. But seriously.
Dear Pisces, please stop waking up so angry. We are just watching a movie. Look, we turned it down, okay? THOSE DISHES AREN'T FROM US WE JUST GOT HERE CHRIST. Just, like, have some coffee.